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Staggered Ramble About People

Updated: Mar 14

Amidst a number of topics, I had pencilled in to write about in the nearish future, I got slightly jolted out of the expected routine on this morning’s monthly pilgrimage to Putney to get the low down on the brace. I’ve already covered that matter in great detail, I had other things I wanted to talk about using the cathartic window of time I get on my long scenic train journey, but there was a very minor spanner in the works, with an unexpected rail replacement service due to a tree on the rails. (Incidentally I passed said incident on the bus and I’ve gotta say it was impressive as far as trees falling over.)

So what that’s left me is a pretty insignificant alteration to my planned regime, which has made me aware just how subtle a tight rope walk my biochemistry seems to be at the mo. I still hope optimistically these a temporary side effects from the brace, but my caution is the increasingly elaborate measures I take in bio hacking to nurse the physical grievances, don’t cause an excess of other side effects I need (or will need) to address.

I’m taking about regulating my mood, I seemed to find a fair balance some point last year after beginning 2020 in an unpromising way. But as with rectifying that, I don’t think this is a matter of just taking the bitter with the sweet. I’m not blind to the importance of some stress, and of regular challenge. What I’m talking about now seems to dig into very unlikely triggers that seem to send me in a spiral of mild despair in the way it didn’t used to.


Perhaps where I’ve relived myself of the obsessive attachment to my art practise as a means of feeling connected with the outside world, after feeling like forces were pushing me further away, (long prior to the lockdown situations), now my relief had bounced to the other extreme, especially in a lockdown, where I need to reintroduce some achievable creative outlet to scratch that itch, all be it mindfully. Either which way the present circumstances still seem to press down, a little deeper here and there, competing with my better judgment.

A few conversations I’ve had recently that have touched on things like pain, decay and the uglier sides of human behaviour, had imposed a negatively biased narrative on my standard self-evalution, these things may be no more or less true than a rose tinted lens, and I dare say there comes times when one has needed to update ones outlook and perceived values, but perhaps in my already compromised state I don’t have the means internally to process it constructively as well. Some will insist on a negative bias, or indeed prompt me dwelling on those wrong doers who I’ve already spent enough time dwelling on, though with the benefit it of some reflective catharsis while I write, I am feeling re-committed to challenging and indeed recognising that external negativity more constructively.


People cause problems, but that’s a matter I want to dive into another time, for now...

I resume after that abrupt pause, at time of previously writing, the train I was on arrived at my stop, now that I take my return journey, I can’t quite recall where I was headed with the last sentence. There where however a string of key thoughts I knew I had in mind.


1. How travel makes me reflect on my lifelong tendance to experience an internal overload as I attempt to process the sheer number of lies being live

2. That point was then going to take me to the previous thought on amending one’s values, and that perhaps growing up with a dream like state of hopeful what ifs, needs to be down regulated better, and replaced with more immediate values. This is the challenge of sensory overload, when gazing in at vast array of different lives being lived and pursued. Ultimately, I’d summarise this as feeling the need, to do everything, and be everything. But perhaps that’s where sourcing external validation comes in to find a decent balance internally.

3. And with the point of validation, I wanted to complain briefly about the small talk/insincerity that gets to me, no doubt other stress factors make me less tolerant to it, but it is very evident, so many people lack the skills, insight, or perhaps worst willingness to grow, that they instead practise this compulsion to just blurt things out of no value, that clearly has a subconscious ulterior motive. Fundamentally it is the dishonesty of it that gets to me, and the persistence, perhaps naivety that they are revelling their inadequacies, often in a toxic or at least with potential to become toxic way.


The solution to this, (as much as probably anything) is a matter of communication, that is the binding factor that could cut through the other obstacles and give us all a chance to enlighten and elevate each other far better, and I think about this a lot because I believe in it passionately, not just as a vague concept, but as something that at least could be applied in a very particular and effective way. There are mechanics to powerful communication that are not that complicated, not something exclusive to an elite of pro persuasionists, I believe it has some cross over to emotional intelligence and the practise of NVC. But like anything else I might have brushed upon; I’d like to chance to dive much deeper into my arguments around that. What this does show thankfully, is that my tone seems to be closing this ramble from a more constructive place than I first entered it this morning.


The factors as to why that is, is a whole other level of self-inquisition and the most entry level knowledge of bio hacking. (Which is a term that prompts yet another passionate blog from me one day I hope.)

I suppose to put it simply for now, it’s even a successful day, the treatment is a step closer, and with any luck this new brace may be slightly less painful on account of how this one works.


So that will be it for now, I think. I hope I can feel out a few more streams of consciousness on a fairly regular basis as it seems to provide some benefits. And when the art practise picks up a satisfying pace, a sensible pace, I know these written components will compliment it more.

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