For the foreseable
After some long anticipated time off, some rest and reflection, I have reached the conclusion, I have to stop this, by this I mean the unceasing series of targets and deadlines that I’ve been setting myself for years. It all came from a positive motivation of aspiration, determined to push one thing or another to its full potential. Now having factored in my currant situation, I had to admit to myself that this manner of doing things has been slowly enveloping my whole life, it isn’t practical, it isn’t sustainable, and it isn’t healthy.
The nail in the coffin may well have been the grief the brace has been causing, compounding with an escalating list of commitments that my dyspraxia brain recoils daily in attempting to regulate with a restless irritability. It is this obsessive restlessness that comes from something more systemic, that has revealer itself after two years of fanatical nutrition and biohacking to resolve stress related inflammatory issues. The problem wasn’t stress, it was internal mechanisms I still don’t fully understand, but something that nutritional hacks along with other lifestyle changes has allowed me to begin to.
To surmise the series of entries over the past year and a half or so, quite simply: I had grown bored off the monotonous lack of excitement in life, and with a mindset still fresh from the MA, I was still firing all cylinders looking for a way out. I had for years been unsuccessful in finding any work opportunities in the areas/industries that really inspired me, so I decided I could attempt a more intellectual route, to drum up interest in that area or perhaps even pursue Phd progression. Ultimately I wanted to find a stimulating and interactive environment, that if possible could also nurture creativity.
So in that recent space of time I’ve been evaluating ideas, with an attempt to refine it into a justifiable presentation. The kind that felt familiar from the MA, only better.
My ideas pertaining to that remain the same, as does my practical work, and I’m never short of things to say about things that interest me. The only difference is I have to abandon that formalised approach for the foreseeable future. This morning I began planing again and after a week of relevant calmness, my eye instantly started twitching at the thought of all the things I have to do. Now is not the time to create more.
While I’ve thought about the reasons that push me to make anything in the first place, the fundamental need is for an audience to communicate with creatively, and honestly that could consist of a casual conversation with a friend as much as it could anything else.
And as far as pursing professional opportunities: the only logical way of doing that, especially in the currant climate, is too just aimlessly fuck around a while and see what happens.