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A non post post

This is a post full of could have been posts, things that in my tangled and recently brunt out mind have not been able to follow through with. Most of this will be incomprehensible, even to me now, but I log it on the off chance it offers anything worth reflection at a later date:


(In no particular chronology)


Vlog 29/10

The biggest creative grapple has always been to realise and bring to life my thoughts, ideas, even dreams or fantasy’s.

The reason I think this journal sustains itself so well in its recent currant incarnation is that I’ve finally found a means to capture all of that internal content, so regardless which bits to come psycial fruition, capturing in this systematic way gives me a sense of ownership on things that where otherwise to muddled and often beyond grasp

In a nut shell, it’s become clear this is currently my most valuable creative output, because of how it enables me in other ways, and the efficiency I get ideas out to play with. Ultimately I’m setting out to evoke a similar thing, but unlike the others, I don’t depend on outsider feedback to thrive on this

Empirical construction/abstraction

Mentionion serenity of something like ice camping

Also the alpinist

How my mind works

Lately constantly feel like I’m trying to resort information in my head, like a demented malfunctioning excel spreadsheet. It gets to a level where it consumes me almost 24/7. There’s never enough structure to the influx of info for me to switch that obsessive problem seeking in my head.

Then tryptophan cycle Reprats

Counsellor course summary

Having lots of good conversations lately

Should we scrap hero’s?


Vlog 6/11/21

This is a particularly short entry, in place of a much longer entry that will perhaps see the light of day some other time. This however remains short because I’ve come down with another lurgy thing, the second or third this term, two of them may have been the same one, but either way I’m noticing a trend. I know it’s a common time of year to catch things, but I don’t think that’s entirely the issue here, so before I surmise what I have been working towards, I need to acknowledge that I’m running myself into the ground with that same obsessive mentality I’ve spoken about before.

Simply doing less, isn’t often an available solution, but how I internalise might be. I get too tense, perceive too many obstacles, and get perpetually disorientated, e.g excess stress, irritability etc. Rather than elaborating more, I have decided to approach the gp next week for what it’s worth. The key difference to doing that now rather than any point in the past when he’s issues arouse, is I have enough understanding myself to isolate the specific problem I want help with. There has been a long process of elimination, trial and error leading up to this point, and if I can remedy this just a little bit more for now, I can get myself to a position where I might find an income that compliments my brain.

It’s funny how I’ve often found a lot of my visual work to present an assault of information, removed from meaning, where I’m at right now in life, is essentially that, internally. I think my mind has always worked like that, only for a while it wasn’t a problem. Not hugely, only at fleeting moments. I haven’t been void of other bumps in the Road of course, but that whole explosion of imagery vibe I’ve enjoyed channeling all this time use is a catharsis that hangs on the wim of playfulness. Having time to play would be my standard grievance, however, something else mysterious gets in the way in the confusion of increasing organisation. Now that I mention it it doesn’t seem that mysterious, I’ve been spending more and more time trying to put things in there place, my only available coping mechanism is to immerse myself in the blandness of order. Like it or not my only escape plan is to become more and more time efficient, so I can schedule playtime without constant postponement.

Anyway, tomorrow could reveal if my recent planing strategies, like the pomodoro technique (which seems promising) are more effective than all the other strategies I’ve applied in the past. I hesitate to make predictions as to whether I can finish my essay homework and the commission by tomorrow, because I have an unfortunatehabbit of underestimating with my intentions, but they are non the less intentions, and if actualised, could change everything.

10/11

Increasingly intense tangents of thoughts triggered by life

Why id love to mediate debates

Empirical contortionist construction/abstraction


Vlog

13/11/21

Letting go of desires

Distinguishing between positive aspiration and compulsive

/toxic fantasy

Looking at nice houses

What I’d give for one more day I. The week, and the hindrance public transport has on my time. All too often seemingly simple plans that involve me getting places consume 3-4 times as much time as my best estimate. Bus delays, cancellations or simply having to bend around other people’s delays really fucks with me on a level that I doubt people would get unless they didn’t own a car

Requainting to core needs

Maslow


Painting forward:

The process of this work has been stagered over a long and eventful period of time, eventful in that I've been frequently humbled by colliding into my own currant limitiations. Many lessons have been learnt through poor or short sighted organisational skills that prior to I thought i was more competant at. the result while running paralel with the introspective nature of the cousellor training, has been a torrent of tense erratic energy, and ultimatly reasessing how I go about most things. thats another matter for now, but the process and outcome of this piece does in a subconcoius way reflect the internal process of self resolution... Or it doesn't, either way, I drew this, long overdue completion. Many forms of relief happening latley thankfully.



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For whom it might ever be of relevance, my Artist Journal entires are now kept on my instagram/Facebook videos section, and the usual podcast platforms. Under either 'Martin Baker Art' or 'Passive Cha